Posts Tagged ‘Love’
A parable by Rev. Jim Huber (Required reading for Sunday School class.)
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first.
John: Hi! I’m John, and this is Mary.
Mary: Hi! We’re here to invite you to come kiss Hank’s ass with us.
Me: Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who’s Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?
John: If you kiss Hank’s ass, he’ll give you a million dollars; and if you don’t, he’ll kick the shit out of you.
Me: What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?
John: Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can’t until you kiss his ass.
Me: That doesn’t make any sense. Why…
Mary: Who are you to question Hank’s gift? Don’t you want a million dollars? Isn’t it worth a little kiss on the ass?
Me: Well maybe, if it’s legit, but…
John: Then come kiss Hank’s ass with us!
Me: Do you kiss Hank’s ass often?
Mary: Oh yes, all the time…
Me: And has he given you a million dollars?
John: Well… no, you don’t actually get the money until you leave town.
Me: So why don’t you just leave town now?
Mary: You can’t leave until Hank tells you to, or you don’t get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you.
Me: Do you know anyone who kissed Hank’s ass, left town, and got the million dollars?
John: My mother kissed Hank’s ass for years. She left town last year, and I’m sure she got the money.
Me: Haven’t you talked to her since then?
John: Of course not! Hank doesn’t allow it.
Me: So what makes you think he’ll actually give you the money if you’ve never talked to anyone who got the money?
Mary: Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you’ll get a raise, maybe you’ll win a small lotto, maybe you’ll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street.
Me: What’s that got to do with Hank?
John: Hank has certain ‘connections.’
Me: I’m sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game.
John: But it’s a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don’t kiss Hank’s ass he’ll kick the shit of you.
Me: Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him…
Mary: No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank.
Me: Then how do you kiss his ass?
John: Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl’s ass, and he passes it on.
Me: Who’s Karl?
Mary: A friend of ours. He’s the one who taught us all about kissing Hank’s ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.
Me: And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?
John: Oh no! Do you think we’re fools? Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here’s a copy; see for yourself.
From The Desk of…Karl
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1. Kiss Hank’s ass and he’ll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Drink alcohol only in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren’t like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don’t drink alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank’s ass or he’ll kick the shit out of you.
Me: This appears to be written on Karl’s letterhead, not Hank’s.
Mary: Hank didn’t have any paper.
Me: I have a hunch that if we checked we’d find this is Karl’s handwriting too.
John: Of course! Hank dictated it.
Me: I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?
Mary: Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people.
Me: I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they’re different?
Mary: It’s what Hank wants, and Hank’s always right.
Me: How do you figure that?
Mary: Item 7 says ‘Everything Hank says is right.’ That’s good enough for me!
Me: Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.
John: No way! Item 5 says ‘Hank dictated this list himself.’ Besides, item 2 says ‘Use alcohol in moderation,’ Item 4 says ‘Eat right,’ and item 8 says ‘Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.’ Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too.
Me: But 9 says ‘Don’t use alcohol.’ which doesn’t quite go with item 2, and 6 says ‘The moon is made of green cheese,’ which is just plain wrong.
John: There’s no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you’ve never been to the moon, so you can’t say for sure.
Me: Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock…
Mary: But they don’t know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.
Me: Not knowing where the rock came from doesn’t make it cheese. And I’m not an expert, but I think the scientific theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted.
John: Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!
Me: We do?
Mary: Of course we do, Item 5 says so.
Me: You’re saying Hank’s always right because in the list that Hank dictated Hank says Hank is always right. That’s circular reasoning!
John: Now you’re getting it! It’s so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank’s way of thinking.
Me: But…oh, never mind. What’s the deal with wieners?
(Mary blushes)
John: Wieners go in buns, with no condiments. It’s Hank’s way. Anything else is immoral.
Me: What if I don’t have a bun?
John: No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong.
Me: No relish? No Mustard?
(Mary looks positively stricken.)
John: (shouting) There’s no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!
Me: So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?
Mary: (Sticking her fingers in her ears.) I am not listening to this. La la la la la la la la.
John: That’s disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat…
Me: It’s good! I eat it all the time.
(Mary faints.)
John: (Catching Mary.) Well, if I’d known you were one of those I wouldn’t have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I’ll be there, counting my money and laughing. I’ll kiss Hank’s ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater.
(With this, John drags Mary to their waiting car, and speeds off.)
Presented as a public service by
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*****
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Kissing Hank’s Ass: A parable by Rev. Jim Huber
Copyright © 1997 Jim Huber.
Email Jim at: james@jhuger.com
All rights reserved. Used with permission.
For more heresy, visit the good reverend’s web site:
People of the World! Listen up! Stop Breeding! Seriously!
The breeding fad has been around for too long, and it needs to stop. You people are doing this for the wrong reasons. You don’t have children due solely to the urge to love, take care of, and raise a child with dignity and respect. You are having children for the worst reasons imaginable, and none of you have the presence of mind to think about why you want this baby so badly. (I have found it is usually along the lines of “Gee, honey what would a child of ours look like? Let’s find out.”)
Accidental babies. “Oops, I’m pregnant. Abortion is murder. So, I’ll just keep it.” First of all abortion is NOT murder. Consider it a man-made tier of natural selection. It is healthy and necessary. Think of it as removing a tumor, only with a fetus you don’t have to undergo chemo therapy afterward. Yes, it is hard to do, but so is raising a child if you aren’t ready or prepared to do so. Speaking personally here… I am one of the accidental children and it was horrifying. My mother had me at the tender age of 16. On several occasions thru life, my mother would get very drunk, and sternly informed me that I was an accident, and that my life was the utter ruin of hers. She married my drunken father, due to her pregnancy and hasn’t forgiven me since. I know damn good and well that it isn’t my fault… now. But these things are traumatizing to hear at age 7 and 9 and 14 and 15. She’s a good woman, but she was never suited to be a parent. Women who are not prepared for pregnancy are not prepared for motherhood. Simple fact. Maternal instincts are a myth. If you are “suited” to motherhood then you are suited for it. But don’t hold your breath and hope for the love of poopie diapers and high pitched screaming to overtake you in a wave of ecstacy. It will never happen.
Worse yet, some kids are born to women who can’t find stability in any other relationship. If they are pregnant, they’ll often rationalize it with “at least a baby will love me forever.” That is an incredible and unfair weight to put upon the shoulders of a newborn baby. Shame on you! Get a hamster! A baby is completely controllable and has no opinions of its own… temporarily. What will you do when they get older, you have to learn enough social skills to keep up with them? When you want to live a life, wide in variety and freedom, what will you tell your child? Remember your parents? So, do you recall the unfair expectations that they laid upon you during your tender years? Or perhaps you fondly remember their exceptional neglect due to an interest in other things? They were put under the same pressures as you, learn from their mistakes.
Here’s a good one. “My mother wants me to have kids.” “My mother wants me to get married… to a man.” I was raised to have the utmost respect for mothers. Particularly those who are old enough to be my mother. However, your mother had her shot at breeding. She can’t tell you what to wear anymore (and if she can, seek help). She shouldn’t be telling you when to breed, nor that you even have to in the first place. That is your decision! Stand up for yourself. Be an adult. You don’t have to have children if you don’t want to.
Let me break things down for you: Babies are cute sometimes. This a defense mechanism provided by nature, nothing more. One baby is just like another. It is not a precious and individual snowflake. It’s a yowling larvae sack!
Giving birth is not a “miracle”. Pregnancy is a chemical reaction and should be treated as such. A + B = Fetus. It was perhaps referred to as a miracle back in the days when people did not realize that sex and pregnancy had anything to do with each other. Women just brought forth life in those days without obvious cause or warning. But now a days we are well aware of the cause and effects, yet the “miracle” is spreading like the plague. Producing offspring will not… I repeat… WILL NOT make your life “all better”. It won’t make your life “complete”. It won’t heal your marriage. It won’t stop your husband from screwing around. It won’t make you more attractive nor cure your menstrual issues. And that “passing down the family name crap” lost any meaning centuries ago, and it only ever had meaning to men (the selfish bastards)! It won’t provide you with someone who’ll care for you when you’re old. It won’t even provide you with a guaranteed Mother’s Day gift every year. These are lies and myths that you have been spoon fed from birth. The moment your mother had you she started training you for making babies! Children have been reduced to vanity projects. Happy to break it to ya, but you can get more love and fulfillment from pet store! Get a cat or a hobby! Volunteer at a Woman’s shelter. Help raise money for Cancer survivors without insurance. Take some pride in yourself instead of expecting a spit-gargling meat sack to fulfill all of your hopes and dreams with their mere existence.
Adoption. Now that is a time worthy endeavor. There are millions of children that have no one to care for them, with the exception of a government clerk that isn’t really required to “care”. I have asked people time and time again why they have given birth to children instead of adopting. I am often given half hearted excuses about there being couples out there that can’t have children and blah blah blah. This is utter bullshit. There aren’t enough non-breeding couples to house these helpless children. If there were, enough childless couples, foster care wouldn’t be such a nightmare. But it is.
Others who favor childbirth, do so because they feel that a child won’t mean anything to them unless it shares their bloodline. This line of thinking makes no sense to me. If this is such a problem, then perhaps you shouldn’t strive for children at all…just a suggestion.
My reasoning for advocating adoption is that if you adopt you have to really want it. You have to jump through hoops of fire and fill out paperwork and be completely committed to the pursuit of a child. Instead of, just realizing you’re pregnant one day and hoping that it turns out for the best. Therefore, using a baby as a vain attempt to permanently commemorate a beautiful loving and magical relationship that “mysteriously” breaks up once the child is born and reality officially sets in. No relationships are permanent. Only the effects are. I personally would rather tattoo my boyfriends name on my forehead then have a child with him. The former destroys fewer lives than the latter.
Bottom line. There is no reason to give birth. Pure and simple. If you want a baby so badly, you should pursue an avenue that has some dignity. Adopt a child, they are the ones that really need your love and care.
Abortion. Along with popular belief I am all for it! I saw a bumper sticker a few days ago (inspiring this little rant) and it said “How can you say there are too many children? That’s like saying there are too many flowers.” Honetly! I followed this woman until she parked and then asked her if she pulled dandelions and other weeds from her garden! What are dandelions? Unwanted flowers! So, morale of the rant boils down to; be an adult and don’t breed. Adopt a child or get a pet. Educate our young women on the “miracle” with a lot more facts and less biased toward breeding. Make birth control and condoms available for anyone who is physically able to use it! Make abortion legal in all 50 states and keep it that way until we actually have some reason to give birth again. Stop reducing our gender to the role of “baby factory” and have some self respect. Thank you!
